Miss Manners


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For 35 years, Judith Martin has answered etiquette questions as Miss Manners in her syndicated column, and in more than a dozen books. Now, she has taken on etiquette in the workplace in a new book called Miss Manners' Minds Your Business. We talk with Judith Martin, along with her son and co-author, Nicholas Ivor Martin. Read an excerpt from the book below, and watch a web extra conversation with Miss Manners and her son.

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Questionable Questions

Judith Martin and Nicholas Ivor Martin; image credit: Rebecca Toon

Dear Miss Manners:

We, the jobless minority, expect to be rejected most of the time. And we do not blame companies for this. However, I have observed a proliferation of ungracious behavior from people with whom I have come in contact during my career quest.

Few people realize that even though they may not be in a position to hire anyone, they can offer much valuable information to job seekers. Information such as contact names, the names of companies that they have heard are hiring, critical advice on tactics, or detailed information about inroads into a company are sincerely appreciated.

I have faced an onslaught of probing personal questions, such as “What is the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life?” Is the true answer to this question work-related for anyone?

I have been asked questions that seem to beg insincere replies, such as “What is your worst fault?” (I have been advised to respond with a fault that is really a positive characteristic—“I am too much of a perfectionist.”)

This strikes me as dishonest, and I don’t like to engage in competitions in which the dishonest prevail. Interviews are for assessing qualifications and professionalism, not psychology. To discover a person’s true character, try his or her references.

I know that as a job seeker, my etiquette must be superb. I must be on time; I must send prompt thank-you notes; I must burn no bridges. However, I would ask everyone who is faced with the annoyance of inquiries from job seekers to have compassion and consider that today’s job seeker may be tomorrow’s client, or, even worse, tomorrow’s boss.

Gentle Reader:

How much worse does unemployment have to get before those with power over job seekers realize that it is not a good idea to misuse their power to be rude because they could easily soon be on the receiving end?

This probably sounds as if Miss Manners wrecked the economy for the purpose of getting people into the proper frame of mind for learning and appreciating etiquette. She does go to great lengths to make this point, but not that far.

Certainly, she agrees that politeness is as essential on the part of the person doing the interviewing as on the part of the person who, being anxious about getting the job, may see a more immediate need to appear to advantage.

She also agrees that suggestions about openings elsewhere are extra-polite (not required, but deserving of special credit), and that silly personal questions are outrageous, although this is more likely to come from the rude idea that this relates to job performance than from vulgar curiosity.

The unemployed are badly enough off without being subjected to a barrage of rude personal comments. But your idea of being given a critique, along with a refusal, is fraught with danger. These people have already failed to distinguish between the personal and the professional. What makes you think they will be able to do so when invited to offer criticism?

Dear Miss Manners:

During a job interview where I met with the Vice President of Human Resources, it was obvious that she had a raspy voice and a cough. I assumed that she had a cold or other minor/temporary condition and waited for a cue (”Please excuse my voice; I have a cold”) to offer sympathy or concern.

When none came, I did not make any comment at all, assuming that she did not want to call attention (!) to her situation. The interview ended 45 minutes later with absolutely no mention of her condition. Should I have made a comment (”Gee, that’s a nasty cough”) without waiting for a direct opening? Or did I behave appropriately?

Gentle Reader:

Miss Manners is pleased to reassure you that you did not fail the job interview by demonstrating, in one well-meant statement, that you lacked both discretion and experience.

To initiate a personal comment, even a sympathetic one, to a job interviewer is intrusive. To assume that you can correctly diagnose a stranger as having a temporary cold, when her voice could simply be raspy or she could have a serious disease, is naïve. Neither is a quality one looks for in an employee.

Legitimate Questions

Dear Miss Manners:

If an applicant is asked about his salary requirements, what is the proper way to answer? Is it polite to question why a previous employee left or was fired? If a company representative says he’ll call, should one be persistent if he doesn’t? Is it polite to inquire as to why one wasn’t hired and someone else was?

Gentle Reader:

Miss Manners can hardly think of a job in which polite -persistence—the determination to pursue one’s objective without actually becoming a pest—is not a virtue. If handled properly, this should suggest that the employer need only employ you to get you to stop going after him or her and start going after the company’s interests.

This includes showing enthusiastic interest in the company, asking intelligent questions, proposing a salary for oneself that is in the high range of reasonableness, writing afterward to thank the employer for the interview, and calling to find out whether a decision has been made.

It does not, however, involve asking indiscreet questions about one’s predecessor or one’s successful rival. In case the company should have another opening, you don’t want the employer to have had to come up with an argument as to why you wouldn’t do.

Dear Miss Manners:

I often find myself in an awkward position of having to address issues related to the fact that I don’t have a college degree. I don’t want to make excuses, because I value education. Suffice it to say that I accept responsibility for my choices.

As a professional woman in a high-profile job who worked hard to achieve success, I enjoy a good reputation amongst my peers and my superiors. Many people in my organization have come to rely on my expertise in the areas of analysis and liaison.

Because of the position I hold, I’m frequently asked what my background is, where I went to school, and what degree I possess. I always answer truthfully, and the response is usually one of shock or discomfort, followed by a remark such as, “I’d never have been able to tell.” Also, I’m often a witness to conversations in which executive managers disparage those who don’t have degrees and set hiring policies that make possession of a degree a prerequisite for particular jobs. Interestingly, they don’t care whether the degree has any correlation to the job.

Gentle Reader:

It makes perfect sense to Miss Manners. They know your work; therefore, how you acquired your knowledge and skills is so unimpor-tant to them that they probably don’t remember, when they mention the need for degrees, that you don’t have one.

When it comes to hiring, however, they are dealing with strangers and are looking for clues that candidates are prepared to do the job. We all know that a degree is no guarantee of competence, but it is supposed to certify a basic standard, so it serves as a starting point.

That people are amazed that you educated yourself should be a source of pride to you, and you can acknowledge it truthfully without devaluing education by saying, “I did it the hard way, although I can’t say I would recommend this to others.” Others who nevertheless did so would benefit from your reminding your colleagues to be on the lookout for extraordinary people who, like yourself, were motivated to learn without the benefit of tests and deadlines.

The Extended Interview

Dear Miss Manners:

A candidate our department was interviewing spent 30 minutes with each member of the existing staff during the day, and later we went as a group with our spouses to dinner. During my half hour, we discussed matters pertaining to the university job, since I thought that general topics, such as the quality of the local schools, would be more appropriate at dinner when spouses could also contribute.

The food at dinner was fine, but at the point where people had stopped chewing and a table-wide conversation could ensue, the wife of the department head, who had several drinks under the sash, began a long monologue concerning details of her garden, her trips to Europe, her children, his children, and their children. The interview candidate shrank into insignificance, while the department head sat there with a grin on his face. No one else spoke until we broke up to leave.

The candidate declined the job offer. Is there some way I could have set the conversation back on a course that would focus on the reason 15 people were invited for dinner? I have tenure and thought later that this might have been an occasion to use it pointedly, but can’t think of a good way.

Gentle Reader:

The last Miss Manners heard, the academic job market was not so good that candidates could afford to turn down jobs for no more pressing reason than that the department head’s wife got tight and boring at dinner.

However, the question of what is expected of spouses is a not inconsiderable factor in weighing a job offer. As you undoubtedly know from interviewing candidates, many have spouses who will require their own new jobs if they are to move. In any case, the candidate’s spouse will want to know what she would be taking on if he accepts the job.

Suppose he reports, “All the spouses showed up at dinner, so I imagine you’d be expected to, too”? That alone might have put her off, and the additional information that the dinner was dominated by a bore would not have helped.

One helpful thing you might do is to make it clear to candidates that such a dinner is prompted by staff and spouses’ friendly interest and hope of being useful in answering questions he might have about the area—making the point that a spouse could be as much or little involved in after-hours department functions as she liked.

This also sets up the immediate squelch you requested for the chairman’s wife. The proper one is not “Pipe down, honey, and your husband can’t defend you because I have tenure” but “Why don’t we first entice him here by telling him about what a charming place this is to live—then, if he joins the department, we can think about making friends.”

The Follow-Up

Dear Miss Manners:

I am searching for a new job, and have written several thank-yous to those who have interviewed me. My usual thank-you notes are handwritten on neutral (not cutesy) informal fold-over cards. My sister was horrified at this, and insisted the proper form is a formal business letter, printed on the same type of paper one would use for a résumé. Which is more appropriate?

Gentle Reader:

Each of you has focused on a different—and, as you have noticed, contradictory—purpose behind interview thank-you letters. Your sister wants to emphasize how businesslike you are, and by extension, how fit for the job. You are trying to separate yourself from the other applicants by making your letter more personal. Both are possible: there is nothing wrong with a handwritten note on formal stationery. In truth, you have probably already singled yourself out by sending any note at all.

Anybody There?

Dear Miss Manners:

I am a recent college grad and have been applying for jobs online. Most of these jobs require that applicants send a résumé to an email address, and there is no number to call or an address (to apply in person).

I have received very few responses or even replies that they received my résumé, which is the problem. I don’t know if it wound up in a spam folder or was deleted. If that is the case, I would like to send it again. But if they received it and just didn’t want to hire me, I wouldn’t want to send it again and seem like a pest.

If you apply for a job online, shouldn’t they at least let you know they received your résumé, even if they don’t hire you, so at least you would know it didn’t disappear in cyberworld?

Gentle Reader:

Yes, they should. But nowadays, businesses plead understaffing—compounded by the great number of people looking for work—to excuse the lack of feedback they give to job applicants. As if they had never heard of using form replies, which is easier than ever with email—and as if they hadn’t been just as unresponsive when times were flush.

Beleaguered as they are, they are not likely to be noticeably worse off if you resend your message, mentioning that you had not heard back. Miss Manners has heard that some employers consider eagerness to be a virtue.

The Brush-Off

Dear Miss Manners:

I have been conducting a job search for over a year now, applying for positions at many different universities, and have received numerous rejection letters.

I have noticed a pattern developing. With very few exceptions, the most prestigious universities in the nation have been responsible for some of the least gracious correspondence I have ever experienced. Some letters have been downright insulting!

Meanwhile, I have received letters that left me feeling favorably impressed, from institutions that are anything but elitist. I was raised to believe that sensitivity to the feelings of others is, in itself, a mark of personal distinction. How can so many highly regarded academic institutions employ so many ill-bred people and not have their reputations suffer?

Gentle Reader:

Because those are their recent graduates who can’t get jobs elsewhere. Also, because although any institution that is more sought-after than seeking may know that its reputation will suffer, many also believe that behaving insufferably is a sign of distinction. Miss Manners wishes to point out two serious mistakes in this rude way of thinking.

The first is that arrogant people are much more likely to be perceived as uneducated louts than as important people who can’t be bothered to be polite. Thus, the victims of this rudeness, far from believing themselves to have been scorned by their betters, are bound to have (and to spread) doubts about the quality of an institution that has such low-grade employees.

The second is that every institution makes personnel mistakes, but to insult, as well as merely to reject, people who might turn out to be raging successes later can be devastating. The more powerful these people turn out to be, the more they will enjoy telling how they were misjudged and mistreated. No institution should risk setting itself up as the butt of such a story.

Questionable Applications

Dear Miss Manners:

As the managing partner of a law firm, I receive a steady stream of (mostly) unsolicited letters from attorneys seeking a position at the firm. I say “mostly,” because occasionally we advertise for an attorney with specific qualifications, e.g., expertise in water law.

Yet, even when the advertisement is very specific, I receive dozens of letters and résumés from attorneys who do not meet the specified qualifications. Clearly, these people are simply taking a shot in the dark and hoping for the best. Do good manners and etiquette require me to respond to all these letters?

Gentle Reader:

Funny that you should ask about the obligations of both manners and etiquette. Miss Manners makes a distinction between them, with manners being the principles of courteous behavior and etiquette being the rules that apply to a particular situation.

No, etiquette does not require that you reply to unsolicited job applications. However, it does require a response to candidates you have interviewed, a courtesy often neglected.

But Miss Manners begs you to consider the state of mind of the job seeker: hope, followed by increasingly painful doubt. Finally, the silence indicates that the application, complete with this person’s professional history and hopes, was regarded as trash. Could you not find a minute to say, “Sorry, we’re looking for an expert in water law”? Even people who don’t follow instructions have feelings.

Dear Miss Manners:

I am interested in the etiquette of informing applicants of errors in their résumés.

As the primary contact for staffing in our company, I recently received a résumé from an applicant which used the word “tenet” instead of “tenant” in several instances. I dismissed the applicant completely because I believe if there is one thing you should proofread, it would be your résumé! Having been in this field for many years, I know that most of my colleagues feel the same way—they won’t even consider a résumé with typographical, spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors.

What I am torn about is whether or not to inform this applicant that they are sending out a document that is damaging their chances of obtaining employment. Is it rude to point out the flaws in a case like this one?

Gentle Reader:

Correcting other people’s writing is rude, unless you are authorized to do so. This is why Miss Manners will say nothing to you about pairing single subjects with plural pronouns.

However, it is a common complaint of job seekers that they are left wondering why they were rejected. It would be within your purview to let them know, in a matter-of-fact way, that you are sorry to inform them that they will not be hired because you and your colleagues disqualify those who have sent résumés that contain mistakes in the use of language.

Pay-Offs

Dear Miss Manners:

I have always viewed being asked to write a letter of recommendation as an honor. Even the slightest hesitation or question about what to write causes me to express my appreciation at being asked but my respectful decline.

During the last few months, I have provided some 20 such prompt and thoughtful letters of reference, several on behalf of two individuals, with copies sent to them as a courtesy. The positions being sought are at the senior executive level. In a number of cases, the employer has called to indicate what a particularly outstanding letter I sent.

Is it reasonable to expect some expression of thank-you in return? A letter of recommendation or reference is given freely and willingly, so is it correct to expect a thank-you?

It feels like it to me. Although I recall being taught that a gift given with the expectation of something in return was never a gift at all, I was brought up to say thank you and to write notes. I wonder if a part of the decline in business behavior and standards is related to what feels like a loss of very fundamental social grace.

Gentle Reader:

Please stop repeating that rude old saw about the meanness of expecting to be thanked. Miss Manners assures you that that idea has made no small contribution to the very problem of which you complain.

Being thanked is a perfectly reasonable expectation after trying to please someone. It is, in fact, the acknowledgment that one’s efforts have actually succeeded.

Without cunningly plotting to put someone else in one’s debt through feigned generosity—which is what you make it sound like—a kind person could imagine that a lack of demonstrated appreciation springs from a true lack of appreciation. That is why Miss Manners advises those whose presents are greeted with silence to stop giving what is apparently not wanted.

She would not go so far as to claim that every letter of recommendation requires its own letter of thanks. Evaluating employees for future employment is a routine task of business. But when special effort is made, as seems to be the case with you, it should be acknowledged. You would be justified in taking at their word those who believe that writing letters is passé, interpreting it to include letters of recommendation.

Dear Miss Manners:

As a result of referring an acquaintance for employment at the company for which I work, I will be receiving a generous referral bonus.

I was informed by this person that I should thank him -appropriately—hinting strongly that I should share the money with him. I was taken by surprise, especially since I felt that he should have at least thanked me first for influencing his hiring. I am not sure that I feel like sharing now.

What is the etiquette in this situation? Is there a percentage of my referral award that I am expected to share, even if the person being hired is getting a generous raise, a better position, and a good benefits package? What is the least awkward way of presenting the person with a share of the money?

Gentle Reader:

Miss Manners assures you that one thing you don’t have to worry about with extortionists is being smooth and subtle about how you meet their demands. The chances of this person’s being offended if you threw money at him strike her as being slight.

But she fails to see why you would do this. Miss Manners would be more inclined to remember that her employer rewarded her for giving personnel advice. Perhaps the loyal thing to do would be to confess that unfortunately you have led him to hire someone who expects kickbacks.

Avoiding the Consequences

Dear Miss Manners:

I recently took a new job offer and had planned to start in six weeks. Since I accepted, my future employer reported disastrous second--quarter earnings and made a bunch of layoffs. They assured me during the interview that the company was rock-solid. Obviously this is not the case and I’ve decided not to take the job after all. But I don’t want to burn bridges. What’s a professional and tactful way to break the news to the guy who hired me?

Gentle Reader:

Without questioning the practical basis of your decision, Miss Manners feels obligated to point out that it is not easy to demonstrate what a principled employee you are while in the very act of breaking your word.

She begs you not to give in to the temptation to go on the offensive and point out that his word about the state of the company was not trustworthy, either. There is a somewhat tactful way to phrase this—“I didn’t fully understand the situation”—but it definitely burns bridges.

Your best hope is to cast this vaguely as a matter of conflicting ethics—“I never should have accepted this, because I have obligations that make it wrong for me to make the switch”—accompanied by profuse apologies. The fact that the obligation is to your career, rather than to your present employer or your anxious family, need not be made clear.

Dear Miss Manners:

Last year I quit a job I’d held for six years to join a dotcom. My new employer just filed Chapter 11, and I’d like to return to my former employer. I enjoyed this job, received good performance reviews, and left on good terms. I only left because the dotcom offered me a leadership position that wasn’t available in my company. How can I approach my old boss?

Gentle Reader:

Not with your tail between your legs. Miss Manners wanted to state this in positive terms, not negative, but when she attempted to describe how the tail should be held, it began to sound obscene.

What she is trying to say is that you should approach your old boss jauntily, not guiltily. Tell him that although you regret the fate of the dotcom because of the other people connected with it, you can’t help feeling relieved on your own behalf, because you loved your job with him, and you missed it.

True, he can still say, “You should have thought of that before you left.” But he will at least have to say this in good spirits and keep you pleasantly in mind. There is a major manners lesson here. You may have quit in good form because you genuinely liked your old job, but it is the wise as well as the polite thing to do in any case.

Rewarding Internship

Dear Miss Manners:

My daughter is a college intern at a doctor’s office, working as a Web designer. The doctor is presenting a documentary and afterward they will have a banquet. The Admin Manager, her direct supervisor, asked my daughter if she would attend the banquet to serve wine to the guests. My daughter was insulted. For one thing it would be on her own time for free labor. Secondly, she feels like she shouldn’t have to serve the people she works with. As an intern, should she be insulted?

Gentle Reader:

From your first objection, Miss Manners gathers that this is a paid internship—at least for time spent in the office. She would therefore advise your daughter to forgo being insulted and instead settle for finding that—like many employees asked to work overtime without compensation—she unfortunately has an unavoidable prior commitment. 

Even unpaid interns, who are too often treated as if that reflected their worth, should refrain from nursing grudges. All interns are right to expect to be compensated in experience and gratitude, but they should remember that an internship is an extended audition, and exercise enthusiasm, competence—and restraint.

Excerpted from Miss Manners Minds Your Business by Judith Martin and Nicholas Ivor Martin. Copyright © 2013 by Judith Martin and Nicholas Ivor Martin. With permission of the publisher, W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.

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